


Sixty Things K-2SO Is No Longer Allowed To Do

by ambiguously



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Rogue One Fix-It, Sassy K-2SO (Star Wars), Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26590297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambiguously/pseuds/ambiguously
Summary: K-2 is not to goad Luke Skywalker into performing the Jedi mind trick on people Kay doesn't like.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/K-2SO
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49
Collections: Fic In A Box





	Sixty Things K-2SO Is No Longer Allowed To Do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nununununu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nununununu/gifts).



K-2 is no longer allowed to go undercover as an imperial droid who has taken Cassian prisoner.

K-2 is not allowed to incinerate Cassian's clothes from his previous mission.

Addendum: You don't have a sense of smell, Kay.

K-2 is not allowed to incinerate all Cassian's clothing.

Addendum: Yes, I think you look nice, too, but I need my clothes.

K-2 is not allowed to adjust the memories of imperial prisoners by smacking them in the head.

A Mandalorian's helmet is a sacred part of the warrior's lifestyle, and should not be used to make soup in even when Kay thinks Cassian "looks peckish."

K-2 is not a medical droid and is not permitted to prescribe or dispense medications, especially not based on the criteria of whether or not various combinations "make a pleasing color combo."

K-2 is not permitted to conduct psychological experiments on members of the Alliance.

Addendum: Or their prisoners.

Addendum: Or civilians who were just standing there.

Under no circumstance is K-2 to refer to the Royal Family of Alderaan as "The Orgasms."

K-2 is not to convince the Organas' protocol droid to teach him the translations for swear words in any language.

Addendum: Nor is he to turn around and teach new recruits these words in the guise of "helping them learn to say hello to their new friends."

K-2 is not to call the Organas' protocol droid a "prissy glorified awards statue."

K-2 is not to call the Organas' astromech a "rolling garbage can."

K-2 is no longer permitted to interact with the Organas in any way.

K-2 is not allowed to sell surplus Alliance supplies to the Black Sun.

Addendum: Or Crimson Dawn, or the Pykes.

No one is impressed by demonstrations of the various places on his chassis where K-2 can shove a protein stick.

K-2 is not allowed to stand next to the Millennium Falcon and exclaim how much the ship would sell for as parts.

Addendum: No, not even if the Falcon's AI was mean to you.

K-2 is not to make up rude nicknames for the ships in the fleet. They are not "Ass Wings," "Butt Wings," "X-rated Wings," "KY Wings," or "IUD Wings."

K-2 is not to refer to call any pilots "TIE Bait."

Addendum: K-2 is no longer permitted in the hangar.

K-2 is not to loudly discuss the bets he placed with C1-10P over which pilots are going to "bite it hard" in the next sortie. 

Addendum: Were those my credits? How do you have credits?

Addendum: They are not "our" credits, Kay. No, I don't care if C1-10P's owner gives him a "cut" of their "take." That doesn't even sound right! What "take"?

Addendum: K-2 is not allowed to gamble.

K-2 is not allowed to dare C1-10P to zap Chewbacca with an electroprobe to see if his fur stands up.

Addendum: No, it wasn't funny. He was very upset. No one wants an upset Wookiee, Kay. They rip the arms off droids for fun.

Addendum: You're right, that was speciesist and I apologize.

Addendum: It was _not_ funny.

K-2 is not allowed to ask C1-10P to hack into the comms so Kay can perform dramatic Huttese poetry readings over the loudspeaker.

K-2 is no longer allowed to associate with C1-10P, on orders from General Syndulla.

Addendum: I don't care who started it.

K-2 is not to challenge other droids to duels for his honor.

Addendum: Or my honor.

Addendum: K-2 is not permitted to have a blaster.

K-2 is not authorized to conduct weddings in this sector.

K-2 is not allowed to threaten anyone with the Force.

K-2 is not to goad Luke Skywalker into performing the Jedi mind trick on people Kay doesn't like.

A lightsaber is the most important and recognizable tool of a Jedi Knight, and K-2 will not steal Luke Skywalker's lightsaber to use as a twirling baton for his imaginary victory parades ever again.

K-2 is not allowed to steal Jyn's necklace, stick it into a 'fresher roll tube, and declare himself the first Jedi droid while he waves around his own homemade lightsaber.

K-2 does not get religious holidays off.

Addendum: There is no Droid Life Day! I looked it up!

K-2 is not allowed to instigate a Droids' Rights strike among the other droids in the Rebellion.

K-2 is not to refer to the organic members of the Alliance as "pre-corpses."

K-2 is not allowed to lie to Bodhi that his ship is being flown by Chirrut.

Addendum: Because it's rude to Chirrut and mean to Bodhi, that's why.

Addendum: Not even if the look on Bodhi's face is really funny.

Addendum: I mean it, Kay!

K-2 is not allowed to spike Cassian's caf with spice, Coruscanti whiskey, or those interesting roots the pilots have been smoking against orders.

Addendum: I sleep fine, as you well know.

K-2 is not allowed to make voodoo dolls of Alliance High Command and make threatening gestures towards them whenever the Generals are within earshot.

While I agree there is something to be said that all members of Alliance High Command are organics with no droids, K-2 is still not permitted to invite himself into their private sessions.

K-2 is not to rush into the group of new trainees and demand they bring him a left-handed spanner immediately "or else the reactor will go critical and kill us all!"

K-2 is not to place subliminal messages in the training tapes.

K-2 is not to draft new forms asking impertinent personal questions then insist all Rebellion members fill them out immediately.

K-2 is not to tell any member of Alliance High Command that he is smarter than they are.

Addendum: Even if it's true.

Addendum: Especially if it's true.

K-2 is not to mock command decisions in front of the Alliance Council.

A puppet show is not an appropriate format for a mission debriefing.

Addendum: Neither are charades.

K-2 is not allowed to perform impersonations of Admiral Akbar. 

Addendum: Not everything is a trap!

K-2 is not to make sushi references around any Mon Calamari. 

K-2 is not allowed to ask Commander Rex how he manages to send Life Day cards to all his brothers.

K-2 is not allowed to send holomail to Mon Mothma. Ever. 

K-2 is not "the God Emperor of Ord Mantell."

K-2 is not the lead singer of his own Jizz band.

K-2 does not hold the secret plans to the Emperor's hidden Pleasure Palace in his databanks.

The Rebellion is not a religious crusade. K-2 is not to randomly shout "Unbeliever!" at people.

K-2 is not permitted to create new ranks in the Rebellion.

K-2 is not allowed to promote anyone.

Addendum: Just because Command makes everybody else a General, that doesn't mean you can make me one, sorry.

K-2 is not to touch Baze's cannon ever again.

Addendum: Baze has made friends with Chewbacca, who is still mad about the electroprobe. I wouldn't risk it.

K-2 does not have a sense of smell and does not get to complain about tauntauns.

It is indeed the tradition on some worlds to make simple snow formations of people, however K-2 is not permitted to make complex snow sculptures detailing the Empire crushing the Rebellion, complete with dying snow Rebels.

K-2 is not to spout clever sayings to compare how cold Hoth is to other things. I know for a fact you have never had anything to do with a lizard monkey's groin or a witch's chest. It's just cold.

Addendum: Yes, K-2 is permitted to use his battery to warm up our bunk at night.

Addendum: I am not being selfish with the list.

K-2 is not to declare his new designation is "Sex Machine." That's our private nickname, Kay.

Addendum: K-2 is not to tell anyone else his private nicknames for Cassian. Ever.

Do not taunt Jedi.

Do not taunt Sith Lords.

K-2 is not to refer to Ewoks in terms of the rug size they would make.

It's the "Battle of Jakku," not the "Battle of Jack-offs."

K-2 is not the long-lost prince of the mysterious planet Droidica.

Addendum: No, it did not exist. You read that in a child's picture book. I saw you.


End file.
